The first volunteers from my group that COSed (finished their service) are arriving home now. There is something so difficult knowing that had I only stayed, I would be done. I would have that stupid pin on my shirt. I would have the knowledge that I did all I could.
I wonder if I would feel accomplished or bitter. If I would have been able to over come the challenges in the past 8 months. I still wonder why I chose to stay home. I still wonder if it was the best idea.
There are trade offs. I am beginning graduate school with a half tuition scholarship this fall. I have a beautiful apartment to move into with a wonderful person to live with. I have the comforts of home, am finally healthy, and have people around me who care about me.
On the other hand I have almost depleted my savings due to buying the necessities for life in America. I have medical debts that I am struggling to pay, and I am surrounded by people ignorant of a world outside northern Illinois. I haven’t turned back into the person I was but changed into a new person yet again. One trying to balance knowledge of the world with home, and the two halves of myself that seemed to develop separately.
I stopped writing on my blog when I got home for many reasons. Partially because who would want to read thoughts of some random person living in DuPage County, Illinois who just happened to do a couple cool things previously in her life? Also I stopped because I couldn’t write. I couldn’t express myself on paper or in word. It was too difficult to address the issues I was facing and the fact that I came face to face with failure. Others who try to comfort me said I didn’t, that I was stronger for having made the more difficult decision. But now with everyone coming home, it doesn’t seem like it would have been that long, that difficult. Sure, it is easy to assume now; to think that it would have been different. To reflect back that there was so much more to do. But that early morning in October when I made the decision there was something in my gut telling me to stay home. Telling me that I needed this; I needed this life. I needed the people who were about to be in my life, that this is the path God chose for me. I am not sure if that was the plan all along, or if I strayed and needed to jump back. Who really knows?
What I do know, even though it’s really difficult to see everyone returning, I am happy. I haven’t been able to say that for sometime. To admit that I actually am comfortable, happy, and I feel like I am making smart changes regarding my path in life and love.
My roommate gave me a book entitled, A million miles in a thousand years, by Donald Miller. He is a quirky writer with an interesting writing style and perspective on life and God’s roll in it. His book addresses how to write our own story. How to make our own lives jump off the page and become something we are not only proud of but excited about. He wants us to be the protagonist in our own story. I think he has the right idea. And I am grateful to Kelly for having bought me such a nice Christmas gift….. It just took me a while to get to it. I am hoping to be more of that person. To look at each day once it has finished and see something to be excited about, proud of, or something I never though I could do.
I am hoping to keep updated with my blog from now on. It is no longer really Elizabeth in Mali, but that is where my “exciting incident”, happened so I will continue on from there; hopefully with many more incidents to come.
If there is anyone who finds my thoughts along the way I hope you are well.
Let love and peace lead you,
Elizabeth
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